Genuine. Quirky. Rootsy.
LYRICS
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1. TAKE IT OUT BACK
2. BOYS IN THE BACK ROOM
3. GONE TO HEAVEN
4. HE CAME TO OUR TOWN
5. IN THE COUNTRY
6. 3RD DEAD CAT
7. RESTLESS KID
8. BONEHEAD MERKLE
9. HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE LOOKS
10. SCHMOOZING
11. 40 YEARS
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1. Take it Out Back
Ashes from the wood stove filling up the bucket
Spilling out the top, so where am I gonna chuck it?
Take it out the back door to where I never mow
Find a little spot that no one’ll ever go to
Take it out back and dump it in the river
Take it out back and throw it in the woods
Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside
Keep the front yard looking good
That old tv - it quit on me brother
Ten years ago - I got me another
First one’s sitting out by the porch swing
With the fridge and the stove and a bunch of other things
Take it out back and dump it in the river
Take it out back and throw it in the woods
Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside
Keep the front yard looking good
That rusty old car - it’s got no motor
If it had any gas I’d try to explode her
Hubcaps, hoods, and old transmissions
Take ‘em to the river - gonna make for good fishing
Take it out back and dump it in the river
Take it out back and throw it in the woods
Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside
Keep the front yard looking good
The food in the fridge - it’s all turned green
And the chicken bones that have been picked clean
Some on the counter - some on the floor
Let’s take ‘em out the back door
Take it out back and dump it in the river
Take it out back and throw it in the woods
Take it out back and chuck it down the hillside
Keep the front yard looking good
2. The Boys in the Back Room
The boys in the back room
Who use to run the city
Anyway they wanted to
They were stealing from the kitty
Stomping out their cigars
Any place they wanted to
What you could go to jail for
They could do in front of you
The boys in the back room
Sat on the commissions
That were supposed to regulate
Factory emissions
Toxins in the air
Toxins in the water
These were our protectors
They were sanctioning the slaughter
The boys in the back room
Didn’t like attention
Drawn to their activities
Which the paper never mentioned
Thanks to the editor
Who was a good ol’ friend of theirs’
So was the police chief
And also the developers
The boys in the back room
Went golfing every Sunday
They had a game of pinochle
That happened every Monday
Tuesdays were the meetings
Where the public was invited
Where they went through all the motions
But no wrongs were ever righted
The boys in the back room
On Wednesdays traded favors
They had a secret handshake
And other such behavior
They fixed traffic tickets
Granted exemptions and waivers
Awarded city contracts
To associates and neighbors
The boys in the back room
Were desperate to hold on
Assassinating characters
Of whoever might’ve told on them
But the day did finally come
When they stood before a jury
Some were sent to prison
It was a one paragraph story
The boys in the back room
Who just used to make the rules
Any way they wanted to
They thought they still had the people fooled
3. Gone To Heaven
His uniform was baggy
He had gigantic feet
His hat was always cock-eye
And he had but a few teeth
And a schnozz as big as Baltimore
And a heart as big as Devon
Max Patkin made the children laugh
And for that he’s gone to Heaven
Max Patkin, he was Vaudeville
Last of the old time clowns
Funniest looking fellow
That ever went from town to town
With the kind of face that he himself said
Only a mother could love
With his loosey-goosey limbs
And his floppy leather glove
Max Patkin worked 3 innings
They let him coach first base
He’d call a meeting with the batter
And then kiss him on the face
Then he’d do his chicken walk
And then his geyser bit
Where he’d take a sip of soda
Tilt his head back and spit
Max would leave ‘em howling
Then be slumped upon his stool
With his back against a locker
Filling the whirlpool
Dirtied up and sweaty
Down to his stockinged feet
He’d give the clubhouse boy 5 dollars
To scrape the mud off of his cleats
The Clown Prince of Baseball
Did 5,000 gigs
For 50 years he shared the bill
With circus dogs & talking pigs
And by the 9th inning
He’d be back at the motel
With an early morning wake-up call
And the next night he’d be someplace else
The towels in every motel room
They all smell like chlorine
From the Rookie Leagues to Triple A
And all points in between
And all those hotshot prospects
Who ever were Big League bound
He saw ‘em on the way up
And some on the way back down
Oh, to be a clown these days
You’ve got to have thick skin
A flask in your back pocket
Or a bottle of aspirin
The drunks sometimes’ll getcha
Or the team that did not win
It’s tough to be a clown these days
You’ve got to have thick skin
Max Patkin loved the children
And the children, they loved him
His body would fall apart sometimes
But he’d patch it up for them
He never, ever, not even one time
Sold an autograph
A funny man, Max Patkin
He made people laugh
The times changed on Max Patkin
Along came Rock & Roll
They blare it from the speakers now
If ever there’s a lull
And some guy in a chicken suit
Is circling the bases
With a corporate logo on his back
And in 1 or 2 other places
If there’s a St. Peter
Sitting at the gate
He probably saw Max play sometime
And wiped clean Max’s slate
That corny old routine
Dated back to 1947
Max Patkin made the children laugh
And for that he’s gone to Heaven
4. He Came To Our Town
He came to our town
For maybe an hour
The streets all got swept
And they planted some flowers
Babies he kissed
To the people he waved
And he stopped
At a Civil War General’s grave
He struck just the right pose
He hit just the right chord
When he spoke of the family
And then of the Lord
He addressed the concerns
Of the common man
And he spoke of the glory
Of this mighty land
He had just the right color
His smile was fixed
His wardrobe assembled
From a bagful of tricks
He had gobs of make-up
Caked on his face
Starch in his collar
Every hair was in place
His wife stood beside him
His daughter did too
And behind them, a flag
With the red, white, and blue
Balloons from the rafters
Fell to the floor
Oh, Happy Days
Were gonna be here once more
He could sell you a war
He could revoke your rights
And still come off as your friend
In the camera lights
He’ll run negative ads
If he has to to win
He’ll go back on his word
He’ll shed his old skin
He said all the right words
Quoted Bob Dylan songs
He sounded hip
Even though he quoted them wrong
His closets were cleaned
And his history revised
So his record would be spotless
To most people’s eyes
I wasn’t touched
By this guy in the least
He was no savior
Nor was he the beast
I have to admit
That they staged a good show
It was all reminiscent
Of four years ago
He came to our town
For maybe an hour
The streets all got swept
And they planted some flowers
Babies he kissed
To the people he waved
And he stopped
At a Civil War General’s grave
And after an hour
They whisked him away
Things went back to normal
Over two or three days
The homeless returned
To living outside
And the flowers that got planted
All wilted and died
He came to our town
For maybe an hour
The streets all got swept
And they planted some flowers
5. In The Country
I love it in the country
At night you can see stars
You can pull somebody’s leg
& tell ‘em “Look, there’s Mars”
And they can pull your leg right back
& tell you yeah they know
And that that one there is Neptune
Yeah that one hanging low
I love it in the country
When people wave hello
When you’re driving by them
People you don’t even know
I can’t help but smile
Where in the city maybe I could
& as I head on down the road
I can’t help feeling good
I love it in the country
Listening to the birds
You sit out there long enough
You start picking out the words
I swear I heard what sounded like
The Gettysburg Address
From a little Lincoln Sparrow
With a white patch on its breast
I love it in the country
There’s a different set of laws
Where the only answer that you’ll get
Sometimes is “just because”
Where it’s do unto others
And it’s live & let live
You screw up on that stuff
Folks are real slow to forgive
I love it in the country
The things that people say
I might could write a book on it
& I might just will some day
Ask a simple question
Somebody might bend your ear
You ask for directions
You can’t get there from here
I love it in the country
My neighbor raises sheep
Pigs & cows & chickens
On a hillside where it’s steep
At night you ought to hear it
When the bulls have been let out
I lay in my bed thinking
How I’m glad I’m not a cow
And how I love it in the country
At night you can see stars
You can pull somebody’s leg
& tell ‘em “Look, there’s Mars”
6. 3rd Dead Cat
When you get off of the interstate
When you get off of the interstate
When you get to the end of the ramp
Turn left & then go basically straight
You’re gonna go several miles
You’re gonna go several miles
You might start to wonder after a while
But you’re gonna go several miles
You’ve gotta go over the gap
You’ve gotta go over the gap
You might not find it on just any old map
You’ve got to go over the gap
There’ll be a field of corn
There’ll be a field of corn
It’s at the end of that field of corn
That is, if the weather’s warm
Look for the 3rd dead cat
It’s just past the 3rd dead cat
Just past the one that’s especially flat
It’s just past the 3rd dead cat
Turn right at the gravel road
Turn right at the gravel road
Soon as you see it you’re just gonna know
Turn right at the gravel road
If you get to the church turn back
If you get to the church turn back
Do a U-turn if you get to the church
The one with the historical plaque
Go up & around the red shack
Go up & around the red shack
Take a look at what they’ve got out back
As you go up & around the red shack
Drive right through that pack of hounds
Drive right through that pack of hounds
They’ll all get up from their lying down
To play chicken with you so don’t go around
Now that gravel road’s gonna split
That gravel road’s gonna split
Keep left where the gravel road splits
So you don’t go off in the ditch
At all of the forks keep left
At all of the forks keep left
Don’t go right at any of the forks
You might end up an unwelcome guest
Brace yourself for the hill
Brace yourself for the hill
Take a deep breath & summon your will
Brace yourself for the hill
All the way to the top
Go all the way to the top
Don’t forget to breathe, put down your pop
And whatever you do, don’t stop
You’ll find the key on the ledge
You’ll find the key on the ledge
There’s wood on the porch, beer in the fridge
You’ll find the key on the ledge
It’s just past the 3rd dead cat
It’s just past the 3rd dead cat
The one that looks like a welcome mat
It’s just past the 3rd dead cat
7. Restless Kid
I was a restless kid
I was a restless kid
I’ll probably never mention
Some of the things I did
I was a restless kid
On a slingshot I was good
On a slingshot I was good
There were some people
Back in my neighborhood
Who didn’t think I was so good
I wasn’t nice to my sister
I wasn’t nice to my sister
Of all the people I’ve ever done wrong
I can’t forget to list her
I wasn’t nice to my sister
I had a bb gun
I had a bb gun
I shot a friend of mine in the leg
From her brother I still run
I had a bb gun
I was no teacher’s pet
I was no teacher’s pet
Substitutes especially
Some might not have forgiven me yet
I was no teacher’s pet
I knew how to destroy
I knew how to destroy
I invented some new ways
After all, I was a boy
Who knew how to destroy
I had a frisky pup
I had a frisky pup
I would do my homework
And she would chew it up
I had a frisky pup
I can still taste the soap
I can still taste the soap
Irish Spring especially
And the kind that came on a rope
I can still taste the soap
I was a restless kid
I was a restless kid
I’ll probably never come clean
About some of the things I did
I was a restless kid
8. Bonehead Merkle
September 23rd
19 Hundred & Eight
Cubs against the Giants
Giants at the plate
Bridwell came to bat
There were two outs & two on
It was the bottom of the 9th
The infield it was drawn
Two weeks left in the season
It was a classic pennant race
The Giants had a one game lead
And the Cubs were giving chase
Polo Grounds were rocking
Score was tied at one
Moose McCormick was on 3rd base
He was the winning run
Which brings us to Fred Merkle
Whose name would soon be cursed
He was the other runner
He took his lead off first
Bridwell drilled a line-drive
Out into right-center
McCormick could’ve walked home
And the Giants were the winners
The Polo Grounds erupted
Thousands rushed the field
The players all ran for their lives
Fans right on their heels
& Merkle was halfway to second
By the time McCormick scored
But then Merkle made a bee-line
Straight for the clubhouse door
Now the door to the clubhouse
Was in the outfield wall
Merkle never did touch 2nd
And the Cubs retrieved the ball
The throw back to the infield
Reached the wrong couple of hands
& Giants coach McGinnity
Threw the ball up in the stands
And after a long deliberation
The Ump ruled Merkle “out”
It would take too long to clear the field
Of the unruly crowd
And since night games were unheard of then
And it would soon be dark
He called the game a 1 - 1 tie
And would have to sneak away from the park
Giants manager McGraw argued
That this Rule 59
Never was enforced
And so why should it be this time?
But only two weeks earlier
It ran on all the wires
The same play happened to the Cubs
And to the very same umpire
But none of the New York papers
Deemed the story fit to print
And so it was that thanks to them
Their team was ignorant
But all throughout the Baseball world
And elsewhere people knew it
A runner has to touch his base
And Merkle didn’t do it
So the matter was turned over
To the Baseball powers-that-be
Who upheld the Ump’s decision
& they ruled prophetically
That if the season were to end
With the Cubs & Giants tied
They’d have to replay “The Merkle Game”
So First Place could be decided
Well, they replayed “The Merkle Game”
And fee-fi-fo-fum...
The Giants lost the pennant
And Merkle was the bum
The papers let him have it
They gave it to him good
They ran the kind of headlines
That only New York papers could
They dubbed him “Bonehead” Merkle
They made up Merkle words
One might “pull a Merkle”
And “to Merkle” became a verb
Some would yell “touch 2nd, Bonehead”
When he stood on first
Little kids yelled “moron”
And the older kids much worse
It haunted him his whole life
Until 42 years later
In front of 35,000
Former Merkle haters
Back there at the Polo Grounds
For an old-timers game
There was a long standing ovation
When they announced Fred Merkle’s name
9. How Beautiful She Looks
“How beautiful she looks” - I heard people say
“Her hair is majestic, perfect that way...
Oh, what a looker she was in her day”
And that’s how she’ll be remembered
She picked out her casket, the music, the preacher
The dress she would wear, and the highlights to feature
The words on her headstone, and the silk underneath her
And I promised I’d make her up pretty
Her head in my hands, they were trembling so
This hair that I combed, that would nevermore grow
I put a bow at the end of the braid
Keeping the promise I’d made
“How beautiful she looks” - I heard people say
“Her hair is majestic, perfect that way...
Oh, what a looker she was in her day”
And that’s how she’ll be remembered
Why was she taken, so young, and this way?
I doubt if I’ll learn before my dying day
And who’ll do my hair, and who’ll make up my face...
A stranger, or someone who knew me?
“How beautiful she looks” - I heard people say
“Her hair is majestic, perfect that way...
Oh, what a looker she was in her day”
And that’s how she’ll be remembered
10. Schmoozing
Hey, isn’t that so-and-so?
Over there at the table
Isn’t she the head of Such-and-Such Productions?
Sitting there with what’s his name
From what’s that record label?
Excuse me while I make my introductions
Schmoozing, schmoozing
Check out the smooth technique I’m using
Schmoozing, schmoozing
Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing
Everyone who’s anyone
& others not invited
Were gathered for the party by the pool
I’m a friend of so and so’s
That’s all I had to say
They said any friend of so and so’s was cool
So I’m schmoozing - schmoozing
Watch me work the room, I’m cruising
Schmoozing, schmoozing
Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing
Your name tag’s flipped around
How can I tell if you’re important?
General pleasantries I will exchange with you
My cheek muscles are tired
How ‘bout that rain we had last night?
I heard there was a chance of rain this evening too
Schmoozing, schmoozing
Remembering all these names is so confusing
Schmoozing, schmoozing
Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing
Have you tried the bean dip?
And who’s party is this?
And is everyone a songwriter here?
Who’s the big cheese over there
Everybody’s sucking up to?
And hey, man, where’d you get the beer?
Schmoozing, schmoozing
I wonder whose expense account they’re using
Schmoozing, schmoozing
Smiling, shaking hands, and boozing
10. 40 Years
40 years of Jack Williams
Y’ mean you can turn out like that?
Not too big for your britches?
And not too big for your hat?
Let me tell you about Jack Williams
He’s got at least 500 songs
Now some of ‘em might end a little too soon
But not a one of ‘em is too long
40 years of Jack Williams
Traveling all around
You might not have ever heard of him
But I betcha he’s played your town
40 years of Jack Williams
Y’ mean you can turn out like that?
Not too big for your britches?
And not too big for your hat?
Mel Bay would’ve been jealous
Jack would’ve done him proud
He probably knows a lot more chords
Than ought to be allowed
One time Dickie Betts was down
Nursing a broken hand
So Jack that night played lead guitar
In the Allman Brothers Band
40 years of Jack Williams
Y’ mean you can turn out like that?
Not too big for your britches?
And not too big for your hat?
40 years of Jack Williams
Man, that says a lot
I like him both for who he is
And as much for who he’s not
No leather jacket, no rhinestones
No make-up on his lips
He surely ain’t no dancing fool
Wiggling his hips
And something else about Jack Williams
He’s a gentleman through and through
As Southern as a whippoorwill
And boiled peanuts too
40 years of Jack Williams
Y’ mean you can turn out like that?
Not too big for your britches?
And not too big for your hat?
40 years of Jack Williams
He’s made the best of friends
All along his travels
Everywhere he’s been
And on the Edisto River
These friends from far and wide
Gathered for to pick & grin
And to eat & to be outside
Celebrating 40 years of Jack Williams
A man I’m glad to know
We’ve had our conversations
Then it was time to go
40 years of Jack Williams
Y’ mean you can turn out like that?
Not too big for your britches?
And not too big for your hat?